Imperialism:
You have two cows. You painted both with stars and stripes and you let them
loose in your neighbors vegetable patch causing extreme havoc.
Communism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk.
Tyrannism:
You have two cows. The government tortures both, skins both alive, and hits you
on the head with the bones to keep you quiet.
Socialism:
You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor and gave them your vet's
telephone for free health care privileges.
Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and sells the milk.
Nazism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you and your whole
family.
Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Feudalism:
You have two cows. The Nobles takes both, orders you to milk them and you bathe
the nobles with milk.
Libertarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, releases them because they
believe liberty is of the highest value.
Racism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and then deports you because
you're non-white and you did exactly the same thing similar to what the early European
and British settlers did.
Bureaucraticism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, milks both, shoots one, then
pours the milk down the drain.
Statism:
You have two cows. You want to set them free, however, you also believe you
need permission from the state to be free to set them free.
Academicism:
You have two cows. You study them both and came to the conclusion that nothing
can be known.
Legalism:
You have two cows. The government takes both because you let them roam around
the city without a legal license or permit.
Absolutism:
You have two cows. The government takes both just because they claim they rule.
Conservatism:
You have two cows and keep them both in their usual state to maintain political
and social traditions.
Humanitarianism:
You have two cows. You slaughter both and feed them to the poor to improve
human welfare.
Mutualism:
You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor and you tell them about the
mutual dependence of society.
Instrumentalism:
You have two cows. You have the idea that both are instruments of action.
Anarchism:
You have two cows. You sell both and finance an activist movement because
you believe that all governments should be abolished.
Totemism:
You have two cows. You keep both because you believe you have a special kinship
with the animals.
Immoralism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and paints them with rainbow
colors.
Alotovkrapism:
Two cows is what you have. One died. How many are left? None. The other cow
went to the funeral.
Zerohedgeism:
You have two cows. You have the opinion that on a long enough timeline, the
survival rate of both cows drops to zero.
LGBTism: My ex-partner and I had two cows. I raised
and nurtured them with the concept of lots of milk, and maybe breeding a herd
in the future. He butchered them,
feasted on steak, and now complains he's hungry. Fuck him.
SCOTUSISM: SCOTUS will address the reproductive rights
of bovine homosexuality in the next session, so you will be forced to accept gay
cow views for your own good.
Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and sells the milk.
Nazism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you and your whole
family
Governmentism:
You have two cows and you and your cows belong to the government.
American
Exceptionalism : You had two cows who become sheep, left your farm and voted to
confiscate your grain and avoid being milked.
Factism:
You have two cows, you are Hindu. The cows sleep in the house, you sleep in the
street.
Academicism2:
You have two cows. You study them both and realize that you need to go back to
school for a masters in Cow Studies.
ReModelism:
You sell one cow and remodel the kitchen.
Intellectualism: You have two cows. And you
reasoned with government inspectors that you are keeping and studying them
because you believe that all knowledge is derived from reason, but a dire lack of funding has
inhibited this important mad-cow research, and budgeting priorities and
allocations need to be reviewed and urgently redirected.
Obamacareism: Both cows were
being cared for very well. The price of
feed goes sky-high and cows everywhere are getting thin. Vets won’t order farmers to own walking shoes
and get physically fit. All farmers are
being asked to pitch in to help those supposed day-laborers who won’t stay
healthy and will not work in the fields to help all of the cows stay healthy.
SocialSecurityism: The long
term health of both cows is zero because they will run out of feed sooner than
anyone thought.
Entitlementism: The long term
health of all cows is very good because government continues to tax everyone, everywhere. Until they can’t. Then gunfire everywhere.
I_don't_give_a_fuckism:
I keep the cows and do what I want and walk around with open carry and
live happily ever after.